How to Prepare Medications, and/or Thoughts on Life and Death

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Total prep time: 15-20 minutes

Before you begin filling the next day’s medications for your four-year-old daughter who has cerebral palsy, set aside the three already-prepped syringes containing Robinul (10 ml syringe, purple cap), Baclofen (10 ml syringe, white cap), and Clonazepam (3 ml syringe, purple cap) since these will be administered at midnight tonight.

Note: all syringes have EnFit-style tips, which are threaded and therefore do not pose any risk of puncture.

How to Prepare Depakote

Ingredients:

• Bottle of Depakote solution

• 20 ml plastic cup

• Two 5 ml syringes

• Two white syringe caps

• Washcloth

• Thoughts

Open the container of liquid Depakote and fill the 20 ml plastic cup to roughly two-thirds full.

Take one of the syringes and test the stickiness of the rubber stopper. If it doesn’t glide in and out smoothly, apply a small amount of Depakote to the stopper to help loosen it up. Try not to replace syringes too often, if possible, in order to keep a stockpile in case there’s another inventory shortage from the vendor due to supply chain issues.

Pull up slightly more than 5 ml of Depakote and pull back on the syringe plunger to create some airspace.

Wipe any excess Depakote liquid off of the exterior of the syringe using the washcloth.

Turn the syringe tip upwards, flick any bubbles up to the top of the liquid within the syringe, push the plunger up until all the air has been removed, and push any excess liquid back into the plastic cup until the total volume equals 5 ml of Depakote.

Screw on white cap and place syringe tip-down in the labeled section.

Repeat the process for the second 5 ml syringe while you think about how the other day you realized that you’re as close to 60 years old as you are to 30 years old. Actually, technically, you’re six months closer to 60 than 30 now.

Observe the number of things that have occurred in your life since you were 30. Your divorce. Your various career changes. Your new marriage. Your first child. Your dad’s death. Your creative writing endeavor.

Realize that a lot can happen in 15 years. Contemplate what you can accomplish in the next 15 years. Consider how this is a silver lining, but maybe don’t call it a silver lining since you’ve noticed gray hairs revealing themselves here and there recently.

Feel less existential dread about your age.

How to Prepare Clonazepam

Ingredients:

• Five Clonazepam packets

• Two 3 ml syringes

• One 10 ml syringe

• Three purple syringe caps

• 225 ml plastic cup filled two-thirds full with tap water

• Thoughts

• Parents

• Brother

Pull the plunger out of one of the 3 ml syringes and set it aside.

Replace syringe if the rubber stopper disconnects because it’s basically impossible to salvage the 3 ml syringes at that point.

Open one of the Clonazepam packets and place the pill into the empty 3 ml syringe vessel.

Insert the plunger into the syringe, pull up roughly 2 ml of tap water, and remove air from the syringe. The pill will quickly dissolve in the water.

Screw on purple cap and place syringe tip-down in the labeled section.

Repeat the process for the other 3 ml syringe, as well as with two pills in the 10 ml syringe while you reflect on your dad’s death.

Think about how in just a few days’ time it will have been a full two years since he passed away. Remember how you were exhausted and napping in the guest bedroom during his final moments. Wish that you were with him in the living room alongside your mom and your brother, both of whom couldn’t come wake you up because it happened so quickly.

Be grateful that he passed peacefully and that there was nothing left unsaid between him and you.

How to Prepare Robinul

Ingredients:

• Bottle of Robinul solution

• Two 10 ml syringes

• Two purple syringe caps

• Washcloth

• Thoughts

• Mother

Remember that your mom will be turning 70 in June while you open the bottle of Robinul.

Test how well the 10 ml syringe glides. Add a small amount of the Depakote solution to lubricate the rubber stopper or replace the syringe as needed.

Pull up slightly more than 8 ml of the solution directly from the bottle and pull back on the syringe plunger to create some airspace.

Wipe any excess Robinul liquid off of the exterior of the syringe using the small washcloth.

Turn the syringe tip upwards, flick any bubbles up to the top of the liquid within the syringe, push the plunger up until all the air has been removed, and push any excess liquid back into the bottle of Robinul until the total volume equals 8 ml.

Screw on purple cap and place syringe tip-down in the labeled section.

Repeat the process for the second 10 ml syringe while you continue to think about your mom and how proud you are of how well she has done since your dad’s death.

Contemplate how she had every right to hole herself up in her house, not wanting to face the world, but instead, she has made countless new friends and regularly goes on walks, does pilates, takes painting classes, dances at band night, and attends various other social events.

Be envious of her resolve—and her abundance of time for self-care.

How to Prepare Baclofen

Ingredients:

• Two tablets of Baclofen

• Three 10 ml syringes

• Three white syringe caps

• 225 ml plastic cup now filled a little less than two-thirds full with tap water

• Pill cutter

• Thoughts

• Wife

• Daughter

Think about how the word “proud” brings to mind your wife and her struggles with OCD and how proud you are of the hard work she has done to put the brutal disorder in its place. Ponder how her hard work also makes you think of another word, “triumph”, and how it’s one of your favorite words—and not just because you find Triumph the Insult Comic Dog hilarious.

Remember that you’re tapering down your daughter’s Baclofen over the course of months in order to see if it helps improve her muscle tone. Use the pill cutter to cut three halves, as well as one-quarter of a tablet, which will be used to refill the syringe at midnight.

Pull the plunger out of one of the 10 ml syringes and set it aside.

Place one of the half pills into the empty 10 ml syringe vessel.

Insert the plunger into the syringe, pull up roughly 5 ml of tap water, and remove air from the syringe. The pill will quickly dissolve in the water.

Screw on white cap and place syringe tip-down in the labeled section.

Repeat the process for the two other 10 ml syringes while you reflect on how your daughter peed in a regular toilet for the first time this past week, which was a huge deal because she’s non-ambulatory and nonverbal, and therefore can’t sit on the toilet without assistance or tell anyone when she needs to use the bathroom. Smile with pride, but also because in your head you hear the “pee-pee in the potty” song your wife sings to her.

Remember how you had an idea for a piece that details all the steps you take to fill your daughter’s medications interlaced with the random thoughts that run through your head while mindlessly filling them. Consider writing it for piece you publish this coming Saturday at 8:08 am PT.

Jot down some notes about your thoughts to reference later in the Notes app on your iPhone.

How to Prepare Omeprazole

Ingredients:

• Two pre-cut half tablets of Omeprazole

• Two 10 ml syringes

• Two orange syringe caps

• 225 ml plastic cup filled with however much tap water is left in it

• Pill crusher

• Thoughts

Think about how the Notes app reminds you of the new Notes feature from Substack. Recall how one of your Notes posts received a ton of great comments from people about non-obvious pieces of writing advice they’ve received.

Pull the plunger out of one of the 10 ml syringes and set it aside.

Screw orange cap onto the empty syringe.

Place one of the half tablets of Omeprazole into the pill crusher and screw the pill crusher’s lid down until you feel the pill’s outer membrane break. Unscrew the pill crusher lid and set it aside.

Be proud of yourself for remaining dedicated to publishing your creative writing despite how difficult it can be to show up week in and week out.

Pour roughly 5 ml of tap water from the 225 ml plastic cup into the empty syringe.

Add the Omeprazole to the syringe from the pill crusher by slowly tapping it in until no crushed pill residue remains in the pill crusher.

Remind yourself that being creative is a way of life that makes you feel more whole.

Insert plunger into open end of syringe until there is slight pressure. Flip the syringe so the tip faces upwards, remove the orange cap, and push the plunger to remove all air from the syringe.

Screw on orange cap and place syringe sideways in the labeled section.

Repeat the process for the other 10 ml syringe while you remember a podcast you listened to with Alejandro González Iñárritu, who directed The Revenant, Birdman, and many other critically acclaimed films, and how he’s nearly 60 years old and still going strong, which makes you think about how there’s likely plenty of time left in your life to accomplish great things with your creative work.

Think about how creative writing should really be a lifelong thing that you do, which means there’s really no goal to achieve where you can wipe your hands clean and say, Welp, I have now achieved success and no longer need to write.

Write, imagining how the sheer energy of your thoughts on the page might inspire a stranger.

Write, thinking about how it helps you process the ever-changing nature of life and how you only have so much time before you die.

Write, picturing your future self reflecting on your past and thanking you for capturing your memories and pushing yourself creatively.

Write, thinking about the power of words, and consider how you could write this sentence in a myriad of ways, but by writing them in this particular way, you are welcoming them from your truest, most creative self.

Think about how that’s the real goal.

This piece is my entry for the upcoming Soaring Twenties Social Club Symposium issue. The theme for the issue is “Death”.

This piece was also heavily inspired by the incredible essay “How to cook scrambled eggs” by Jonny Sun, which is included in his lovely book Goodbye, again.

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