Glad you're gaining some confidence in your body -- that's a key step forward at the end of the essay. I'm not questioning the diagnosis, but I wonder if some of these things exist on a spectrum, like autism? Maybe an ignorant question. I face a lot of the challenges you do, and I think everyone needs a strategy to fill random calendar slots with productivity. Mine tends to be setting timers and adding even mundane events to my calendar. I have two weekend days before a big trip West, and I have to block out time for garden chores, grocery shopping, packing, etc. Sometimes a to-do list on my desk or kitchen counter helps me cross things off. Or a list of Reminders on my phone. Without those things, I very easily while away free time.
I think another part of this is the felt urgency that comes with a deadline. Since Substack isn't our actual job, what's the rush? If I have a whole week to write a post, often it will take exactly that long. If I've been slammed all week and I need to set a timer for two hours to hammer it out, it will get done then. But these are self-imposed deadlines with pretty low stakes. When I was teaching, running a first-year seminar, chairing a committee, or chairing a department, there were pretty significant deadlines that had higher stakes. It's kind of like the principle that we apply to our writing: a reader won't feel compelled to keep reading if there isn't clear urgency to see what happens.
It takes a rare kind of person to be able to summon that kind of urgency all day every day, or for an unexpected block of time on the calendar, without a clear external consequence for *not* being more productive. I guess that's the question I have at the end of this windy post: do you think some of your struggles have to do with the fast that you don't experience much significant pain (other than vague guilt) if you're not more efficient? Would having a Sword of Damocles like that hanging over those open calendar blocks change anything? It would/it does for me.
When it comes to filling random time slots, the biggest difference, and factor in leading me to seek a diagnosis, is that those times would often feel overwhelming for me. I would usually blame it on having too much on my plate, which wasn’t always the case on any given day, and the things on my plate often weren’t high stakes to warrant such an intense reaction to them.
I know it’s still early on for me with these meds, but it feels like the intensity has been turned down a bunch of notches already.
I’m also not under the illusion that any sort of meds will turn me into someone who works way ahead and schedules Substack posts months in advance. Those unicorns exist, I’ve met them, but I am certainly not one of them.
Gotta admit, your unproductive writing breaks are a heck of a lot more productive than mine 😂 I've always chalked mine up to old-fashioned laziness... wish there was a med for that haha.
And, oof, are you right about that reflection on indecision. I suppose I didn't think of it partly because I'm earlier on in the journey of writing publicly—and one always imagines that things such as indecision will get easier as one gets further along. But it stands to reason that this threat never really does go away.
The trope of the one-hit-wonder writer/creative exists for a reason, I guess—you get your one big hit and then indecision cripples the road ahead from there, not least because of the challenging expectations the initial hit gave rise to. Success itself ironically then becomes one of the dangers of freedom, because it is a success that can't be so easily replayed.
Staying connected to the essence of the writing instead of the outcome is maybe the key. That's my best guess at the optimistic take, at least, haha. Turns out this approach is generally my solution to the laziness, too, to tie together these threads!
For me, indecision around my writing was easier to manage when I had a weekly deadline. Sure, it was self-imposed. But it worked.
Now that I removed the weekly deadline and can publish whenever I want, I’ve found that my publishing muscles have atrophied a bit. It’s not that I’m scared to publish, it’s more like I don’t feel that sense of urgency anymore.
I didn't get through all of that because that's a quite a long post. There are a few concepts in here that I like. First of all I think you were pretty good on sticking with trust throughout that first piece. I felt like most of that is relatable to trust.
I mean, it's very hard to trust what's going on in the world and what's going on in myself when I'm not sure I'm taking the right course of action in my life.
Somewhere down the line I realized it doesn't really matter if I'm on the right path. It only matters that I'm trying new things and keeping myself engaged in things that interest me and I think what happens is the right path of my life gets revealed in the tapestry of my interests.
I wrote a book on how I change from my selfish lifestyle to a cosmic connected consciousness that appeared to be brought on with changes in my brain where I had to relearn many things.
I think I said it before, I agree with you, I think being diagnosed with something can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. On the one hand it's good to understand that I perceive the world in a different way based on some criteria, and on the other hand, it kind of limits me if think too much about it or make it too much a part of my life.
So anyway, I felt like that was a worthy piece to focus on. Thanks for the remembrance and the lesson on self-trust
Awesome Lyle, that was uplifting and I felt a true sense of who you are. Thanks for being so honest and thank you for the time you put into that piece!
By the way, I played out at Chardonnay yesterday and shot 75 with five birdies. I even had three in a row on 8 through 10. Can’t remember the last time I birdied three in a row!
...thanks for the share man...wondering what led you on your journey to this diagnosis?...i feel you on the questioning on whether knowing (being diagnosed) is a supply of reconsidering (wait is that why i?)...overall i feel like whenever a other human can help me see something in myself i didn’t i am better for it...that is why i am here...
Yeah, agreed. There were a number of factors—my mental and somatic experience when compared to what I learned about inattentive ADHD, as well as a bunch of convos with my wife since she knows me very well
Glad you're gaining some confidence in your body -- that's a key step forward at the end of the essay. I'm not questioning the diagnosis, but I wonder if some of these things exist on a spectrum, like autism? Maybe an ignorant question. I face a lot of the challenges you do, and I think everyone needs a strategy to fill random calendar slots with productivity. Mine tends to be setting timers and adding even mundane events to my calendar. I have two weekend days before a big trip West, and I have to block out time for garden chores, grocery shopping, packing, etc. Sometimes a to-do list on my desk or kitchen counter helps me cross things off. Or a list of Reminders on my phone. Without those things, I very easily while away free time.
I think another part of this is the felt urgency that comes with a deadline. Since Substack isn't our actual job, what's the rush? If I have a whole week to write a post, often it will take exactly that long. If I've been slammed all week and I need to set a timer for two hours to hammer it out, it will get done then. But these are self-imposed deadlines with pretty low stakes. When I was teaching, running a first-year seminar, chairing a committee, or chairing a department, there were pretty significant deadlines that had higher stakes. It's kind of like the principle that we apply to our writing: a reader won't feel compelled to keep reading if there isn't clear urgency to see what happens.
It takes a rare kind of person to be able to summon that kind of urgency all day every day, or for an unexpected block of time on the calendar, without a clear external consequence for *not* being more productive. I guess that's the question I have at the end of this windy post: do you think some of your struggles have to do with the fast that you don't experience much significant pain (other than vague guilt) if you're not more efficient? Would having a Sword of Damocles like that hanging over those open calendar blocks change anything? It would/it does for me.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Josh.
When it comes to filling random time slots, the biggest difference, and factor in leading me to seek a diagnosis, is that those times would often feel overwhelming for me. I would usually blame it on having too much on my plate, which wasn’t always the case on any given day, and the things on my plate often weren’t high stakes to warrant such an intense reaction to them.
I know it’s still early on for me with these meds, but it feels like the intensity has been turned down a bunch of notches already.
I’m also not under the illusion that any sort of meds will turn me into someone who works way ahead and schedules Substack posts months in advance. Those unicorns exist, I’ve met them, but I am certainly not one of them.
Thanks you, Ahmet!
Gotta admit, your unproductive writing breaks are a heck of a lot more productive than mine 😂 I've always chalked mine up to old-fashioned laziness... wish there was a med for that haha.
And, oof, are you right about that reflection on indecision. I suppose I didn't think of it partly because I'm earlier on in the journey of writing publicly—and one always imagines that things such as indecision will get easier as one gets further along. But it stands to reason that this threat never really does go away.
The trope of the one-hit-wonder writer/creative exists for a reason, I guess—you get your one big hit and then indecision cripples the road ahead from there, not least because of the challenging expectations the initial hit gave rise to. Success itself ironically then becomes one of the dangers of freedom, because it is a success that can't be so easily replayed.
Staying connected to the essence of the writing instead of the outcome is maybe the key. That's my best guess at the optimistic take, at least, haha. Turns out this approach is generally my solution to the laziness, too, to tie together these threads!
For me, indecision around my writing was easier to manage when I had a weekly deadline. Sure, it was self-imposed. But it worked.
Now that I removed the weekly deadline and can publish whenever I want, I’ve found that my publishing muscles have atrophied a bit. It’s not that I’m scared to publish, it’s more like I don’t feel that sense of urgency anymore.
Totally, getting that consistency makes such a difference. Slowly but surely in my case :)
I didn't get through all of that because that's a quite a long post. There are a few concepts in here that I like. First of all I think you were pretty good on sticking with trust throughout that first piece. I felt like most of that is relatable to trust.
I mean, it's very hard to trust what's going on in the world and what's going on in myself when I'm not sure I'm taking the right course of action in my life.
Somewhere down the line I realized it doesn't really matter if I'm on the right path. It only matters that I'm trying new things and keeping myself engaged in things that interest me and I think what happens is the right path of my life gets revealed in the tapestry of my interests.
I wrote a book on how I change from my selfish lifestyle to a cosmic connected consciousness that appeared to be brought on with changes in my brain where I had to relearn many things.
I think I said it before, I agree with you, I think being diagnosed with something can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. On the one hand it's good to understand that I perceive the world in a different way based on some criteria, and on the other hand, it kind of limits me if think too much about it or make it too much a part of my life.
So anyway, I felt like that was a worthy piece to focus on. Thanks for the remembrance and the lesson on self-trust
Thanks for the thoughtful reflection, Scott!
Wish I could’ve joined the BBQ yesterday. Sounds like it went great. Nice work on it!
Nice playing that's a great birdie on 8. Love that hole. Keep it up!
Awesome Lyle, that was uplifting and I felt a true sense of who you are. Thanks for being so honest and thank you for the time you put into that piece!
Thank you, Chandler.
By the way, I played out at Chardonnay yesterday and shot 75 with five birdies. I even had three in a row on 8 through 10. Can’t remember the last time I birdied three in a row!
...thanks for the share man...wondering what led you on your journey to this diagnosis?...i feel you on the questioning on whether knowing (being diagnosed) is a supply of reconsidering (wait is that why i?)...overall i feel like whenever a other human can help me see something in myself i didn’t i am better for it...that is why i am here...
Yeah, agreed. There were a number of factors—my mental and somatic experience when compared to what I learned about inattentive ADHD, as well as a bunch of convos with my wife since she knows me very well
Someone you know told you years ago to just Trust Lyle….
I know, I know…
Thanks, Randy
Great piece. So true about the infinity of contemporary choice.
Thanks, Michael!