This made me wonder whether shame serves a useful purpose. It's a debatable question in parenting circles. My feeling is that if I'm taking my kids to breakfast, and they decide to yell and fight with each other and ruin everyone else's breakfast at the diner, then shame is an appropriate way to take responsibility for that behavior. As opposed to simply working through one's feelings. Yet I know all too well that shaming often doesn't accomplish anything.
So you have me wondering what the right word is for accepting responsibility for the way one impacts others, which sometimes means acknowledging harm? How do you distinguish between shame and guilt?
Atul Gawande described the difference once as guilt meaning culpability for a certain act and shame meaning a kind of totalizing feeling that you are the thing that is wrong. I think this is the distinction people cite when they want to banish shame. But I still think there is a place for blushing when acknowledgement of wrong is needed. Too old-school?
Hell yes! I love that you practice loving-kindness toward your Shame Buddha, Lyle. And I agree with Dee and Karen, those who wield "shame" as a weapon...OOF...they're in a class all their own, but they probably need some loving-kindness too. This is an excellent reminder of that.
Hard to imagine that people still use the phrase “Shame on you!” But they do. Talk about an assault. Thanks for sharing Lyle! Good luck nurturing those other Buddhas 🙏
A great read. So happy you and Allison are enjoying your getaway. I envy your walk on the beach, sounds like a great place to get acquainted with all your Buddha’s.
This made me wonder whether shame serves a useful purpose. It's a debatable question in parenting circles. My feeling is that if I'm taking my kids to breakfast, and they decide to yell and fight with each other and ruin everyone else's breakfast at the diner, then shame is an appropriate way to take responsibility for that behavior. As opposed to simply working through one's feelings. Yet I know all too well that shaming often doesn't accomplish anything.
So you have me wondering what the right word is for accepting responsibility for the way one impacts others, which sometimes means acknowledging harm? How do you distinguish between shame and guilt?
Atul Gawande described the difference once as guilt meaning culpability for a certain act and shame meaning a kind of totalizing feeling that you are the thing that is wrong. I think this is the distinction people cite when they want to banish shame. But I still think there is a place for blushing when acknowledgement of wrong is needed. Too old-school?
Love this welcoming of shame to have *some space but not *ALL the space <3
Hell yes! I love that you practice loving-kindness toward your Shame Buddha, Lyle. And I agree with Dee and Karen, those who wield "shame" as a weapon...OOF...they're in a class all their own, but they probably need some loving-kindness too. This is an excellent reminder of that.
Hard to imagine that people still use the phrase “Shame on you!” But they do. Talk about an assault. Thanks for sharing Lyle! Good luck nurturing those other Buddhas 🙏
Was so amazing to witness you read this out loud to the group and I was really happy you felt it was enough to publish in your newsletter :)
Great piece!! My therapist says that Shame is a waste-of-time emotion. He says Regret is fine, but Shame is toxic.
Nice Lyle keep up the good work!!
A great read. So happy you and Allison are enjoying your getaway. I envy your walk on the beach, sounds like a great place to get acquainted with all your Buddha’s.