I lost my Dad on March 1, 1999, from prostate cancer that metastasized first to the bone and later to the brain. One thing I remember and think of often is that he would see people that I couldn't see. One was a scraggly old man in overalls with a dirty white t-shirt who walked across the room. One was a little girl in a black pinafore dress and the last was a lady with a calendar. She was tearing the pages out and they fluttered to the floor. Dad would sit up in his bed and speak to these people. I didn't try to bring him to the real time but went with him. I asked him to describe what the people looked like and as you can read, I remember it well. The thing I wished he could have talked to me about was his ancestors. He knew that some were African American but never mentioned it. We had a good relationship as did my sister and he shared his early life growing up on a farm, time in the Army on the Aleutian Island of Amchitka, driving semi etc. I was fortunate enough to take one of the very first Family Medical Leaves and stay with my parents during the time we had Hospice. It was the very best thing I have ever done! I too gave his eulogy. That was tough but oh so rewarding. I think I paid tribute to him for he was a good guy.
Hey Lyle - my dad passed away peacefully on New Year’s Day 2020. His health had been declining for a couple years before that. Here are a couple things I’m really glad we did with the time we had:
1. I took my whole fam, including my wife, five kids, mom, dad, mother-in-law, and niece on a Caribbean Cruise. I spent a lot of it pushing my dad in a wheelchair but since this was about eight months before he passed, my mom said they talked about it almost every day. I put the hefty bill on a credit card (which I just now paid off, two years later) but the pictures and memories we have are worth every penny.
2. I “interviewed” my parents about their lives a few years ago. When it came time for the funeral (for which I did the eulogy), I had all the facts and timelines I needed to tell Dad’s story.
3. I asked Dad a few previously “forbidden” questions during our drive down for that cruise, mostly around his tough childhood and his service in Korea during Vietnam, neither of which he ever talked about.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, but it’s awesome that you’ve captured some of his spirit in words here. Enjoy the time you have left my brother.
Sorry you’re going thru this valley. I lost my (biological) dad on Feb 26 this year. We didn’t have this kind of easy hurry up and have fun kind of relationship but loosing a parent felt different than I thought it would. Hard. I can say... I don’t regret conversations we had, good moments we shared, happy memories we made. And the bad stuff feels more at peace now. I feel like let it be pertains to the death of a parent because it’s not just about what you won’t share in the future... it’s about the etching they leave behind in us that never really leaves, and missing the familiarity of having an ongoing part of you no longer available. It sounds like you had and have such a solid etching and a really great and thoughtful dad. He left a good legacy behind that won’t be leaving anytime soon. I hope you feel his love forever! He made a good and thoughtful, creative and kind person.☺️ Let it be... and peace in the days and moments ahead without him.
Ps- I think it’s so cool you paid tribute to him before he departs. I hope he gets to read this!
Somewhat different, my dad can still live quite a few more years- but has mostly lost the ability to hold a conversation. After his first stroke, I stood next to him while He told a nurse he didn’t have any children. Months later in a more lucid time I took out my phone and rapid fired- what did he think when they said I was a girl? What was his favorite memory as a kid? Just little things knowing one day I’d want to just hear his voice.
At least six times, I’ve seen and spoke to him (nearly vegetative) convinced it was my last time seeing him. I’ve never said the same thing twice. It’s just reactive and I’m sure it will never feel like enough. I think what gave me most peace was explaining to him that he did his job well. I’m happy and capable and loved and that he had a part in that- and I will be ok when he goes.
Also- you and your dad may get a laugh from Ben Crane’s take on slow play
Having lost both of my parents already I think I would have asked them a little bit more about their childhood. I have some anchor points that I already know about so asking my mom something about what it was like for her to sell candy at her parent's corner store in Chicago would have elicited memories that would have been fun for her to share. In addition to fun they can take you on tangential journeys through the past. It's amazing the things you'd learn about your parent/family/friends. Also, I feel like they know exactly what they are going through and don't need to be reminded. Bringing them to a less worrisome time in their past may be a blessing.
I think if I were to lose a person close to me soon, then I would strive to make sure that at least they're feeling loved, and that any open questions are resolved. That is, if they have to leave us, they can leave in the peace that they have no unfinished tasks left behind, and that departure is gentle. I'd probably just spend the last few days focusing on the things that brought joy to them, and also focus on self-care as a care-provider during those times.
I might ask him if he could do one thing over, what would that be. Pat is one of the most resourceful people I know. I could count on him for technical advice and instructions. He has a very inquisitive mind - wanting to know things.
Wise advice. I certainly wish I had hurried up and had more fun with both my dad before he passed and my son before he left for college.
I don't remember anymore what work was getting in the way, but I definitely remember and regret the loss of time with both of them.
I lost my Dad on March 1, 1999, from prostate cancer that metastasized first to the bone and later to the brain. One thing I remember and think of often is that he would see people that I couldn't see. One was a scraggly old man in overalls with a dirty white t-shirt who walked across the room. One was a little girl in a black pinafore dress and the last was a lady with a calendar. She was tearing the pages out and they fluttered to the floor. Dad would sit up in his bed and speak to these people. I didn't try to bring him to the real time but went with him. I asked him to describe what the people looked like and as you can read, I remember it well. The thing I wished he could have talked to me about was his ancestors. He knew that some were African American but never mentioned it. We had a good relationship as did my sister and he shared his early life growing up on a farm, time in the Army on the Aleutian Island of Amchitka, driving semi etc. I was fortunate enough to take one of the very first Family Medical Leaves and stay with my parents during the time we had Hospice. It was the very best thing I have ever done! I too gave his eulogy. That was tough but oh so rewarding. I think I paid tribute to him for he was a good guy.
Hey Lyle - my dad passed away peacefully on New Year’s Day 2020. His health had been declining for a couple years before that. Here are a couple things I’m really glad we did with the time we had:
1. I took my whole fam, including my wife, five kids, mom, dad, mother-in-law, and niece on a Caribbean Cruise. I spent a lot of it pushing my dad in a wheelchair but since this was about eight months before he passed, my mom said they talked about it almost every day. I put the hefty bill on a credit card (which I just now paid off, two years later) but the pictures and memories we have are worth every penny.
2. I “interviewed” my parents about their lives a few years ago. When it came time for the funeral (for which I did the eulogy), I had all the facts and timelines I needed to tell Dad’s story.
3. I asked Dad a few previously “forbidden” questions during our drive down for that cruise, mostly around his tough childhood and his service in Korea during Vietnam, neither of which he ever talked about.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, but it’s awesome that you’ve captured some of his spirit in words here. Enjoy the time you have left my brother.
- Jarrod
So good Lyle thank you
Sorry you’re going thru this valley. I lost my (biological) dad on Feb 26 this year. We didn’t have this kind of easy hurry up and have fun kind of relationship but loosing a parent felt different than I thought it would. Hard. I can say... I don’t regret conversations we had, good moments we shared, happy memories we made. And the bad stuff feels more at peace now. I feel like let it be pertains to the death of a parent because it’s not just about what you won’t share in the future... it’s about the etching they leave behind in us that never really leaves, and missing the familiarity of having an ongoing part of you no longer available. It sounds like you had and have such a solid etching and a really great and thoughtful dad. He left a good legacy behind that won’t be leaving anytime soon. I hope you feel his love forever! He made a good and thoughtful, creative and kind person.☺️ Let it be... and peace in the days and moments ahead without him.
Ps- I think it’s so cool you paid tribute to him before he departs. I hope he gets to read this!
Somewhat different, my dad can still live quite a few more years- but has mostly lost the ability to hold a conversation. After his first stroke, I stood next to him while He told a nurse he didn’t have any children. Months later in a more lucid time I took out my phone and rapid fired- what did he think when they said I was a girl? What was his favorite memory as a kid? Just little things knowing one day I’d want to just hear his voice.
At least six times, I’ve seen and spoke to him (nearly vegetative) convinced it was my last time seeing him. I’ve never said the same thing twice. It’s just reactive and I’m sure it will never feel like enough. I think what gave me most peace was explaining to him that he did his job well. I’m happy and capable and loved and that he had a part in that- and I will be ok when he goes.
Also- you and your dad may get a laugh from Ben Crane’s take on slow play
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl7B55srBhs
Having lost both of my parents already I think I would have asked them a little bit more about their childhood. I have some anchor points that I already know about so asking my mom something about what it was like for her to sell candy at her parent's corner store in Chicago would have elicited memories that would have been fun for her to share. In addition to fun they can take you on tangential journeys through the past. It's amazing the things you'd learn about your parent/family/friends. Also, I feel like they know exactly what they are going through and don't need to be reminded. Bringing them to a less worrisome time in their past may be a blessing.
I think if I were to lose a person close to me soon, then I would strive to make sure that at least they're feeling loved, and that any open questions are resolved. That is, if they have to leave us, they can leave in the peace that they have no unfinished tasks left behind, and that departure is gentle. I'd probably just spend the last few days focusing on the things that brought joy to them, and also focus on self-care as a care-provider during those times.
My love and support to you and your family, Lyle.
I might ask him if he could do one thing over, what would that be. Pat is one of the most resourceful people I know. I could count on him for technical advice and instructions. He has a very inquisitive mind - wanting to know things.