OK so I have to admit I started reading this the day you published and got TOTALLY DISTRACTED by something -- undoubtedly my mother calling and bothering me about something unimportant -- and am just coming back to finish it now and DAMN LYLE. You really have a talent for fiction.
I really enjoyed this. Great writing. Gut punch: And then she glanced up at him and asked, “What’s your name again?” It rang some bells for me, and I daresay for others.
Wow holy cow, I wasn’t expecting anything that cool at 5am. Glad I took the chance to check my phone. Usually, I don’t read anything except news, political bs, or etc., thank you I didn’t know how much I needed nudged off my path to becoming old grouch. You really could do some serious good in the world with a gift like yours!🤓
Thanks! I think I might, if an idea strikes me. I’ll also be on the lookout for more ideas, so I’d say the odds are high! It was a lot of fun to write this one and I like how it turned out.
This is a real gem, Lyle -- the first fiction from you I have read. Spare, clean, and beautifully edited.
( I notice you care about getting each word right. ) Provocative opening line pulled me right in. "He was so unremarkable, so unnoticeable, that he wasn’t even bullied." Beautiful! "And then she glanced up at him and asked, “What’s your name again?” You have tweaked our hearts. His aversion to swearing -- even in his head was so endearing. The self-deprecation and the names he calls himself. The only thing he likes about himself is that he shows up early for work? Poor guy. Hints about his parent's indifference., made me want to grandmother him. The question "Who needs to give you permission...?" The lovely twist at the end. I found this story up-lifting. I am a fool for happily ever after, as life is seldom like that. A fine piece, Mr McKeany. I hope to see more of this side of you. Sharron at 🍁Leaves.
You built the characters very nicely - we don't have a mental image of Joel but we can clearly see Lisa (I'm using the royal "We" here, of course.) Keep playing with fiction!!
I purposefully didn't describe Joel because I wanted readers to form whatever mental image of him that emerged. I thought that overly describing him, or even setting the story in a particular time was unnecessary. For example, I had an earlier draft where he was wearing an Apple Watch and tracking steps and thinking about how Lisa must walk a ton of steps each day at the diner. But that felt like a detail that took me out of the flow when I read it back so I removed it. There were other little things I cut like that too.
Am I noticing something irrelevant, but starting with
“Joel is pacing around his house. He hasn’t been back to the Piner Diner, to see Lisa, for three days”, the verb tense is all present tense, whereas before that, there were a variety of verb tenses. I just wondered if that is deliberate?, or if I am weird to wonder 😅
OK so I have to admit I started reading this the day you published and got TOTALLY DISTRACTED by something -- undoubtedly my mother calling and bothering me about something unimportant -- and am just coming back to finish it now and DAMN LYLE. You really have a talent for fiction.
Wow, thanks so much, Alicia! That means a TON coming from you.
Just stating objective truth!
❤️
I really enjoyed this. Great writing. Gut punch: And then she glanced up at him and asked, “What’s your name again?” It rang some bells for me, and I daresay for others.
Thanks, Terry!
Your first time writing fiction? Wow. Just wow.
Thanks, Thomas!
It’s just as good the second time!💕
❤️
Yesss fiction!! You need to flex these muscles more often! And who doesn’t love a haunting diner “love” story?! 😅
Oh oh!! Have you read I’m Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid? If not, I think you’d dig it!
Thanks! I haven’t read it but did watch the film. It was super strange and uncomfortable at times, but I did dig it. I’ll give the book a shot too!
Per usual, the book is much better and much different!!
Lol yeah, not surprising
loved this dude. couldn't stop reading
Thanks, Alex!
Wow holy cow, I wasn’t expecting anything that cool at 5am. Glad I took the chance to check my phone. Usually, I don’t read anything except news, political bs, or etc., thank you I didn’t know how much I needed nudged off my path to becoming old grouch. You really could do some serious good in the world with a gift like yours!🤓
Your comment is what I needed at 7:30am. Thank you! ❤️
This was a fun and interesting read, Lyle. Will you be continuing to write fiction? I hope so.
Thanks! I think I might, if an idea strikes me. I’ll also be on the lookout for more ideas, so I’d say the odds are high! It was a lot of fun to write this one and I like how it turned out.
When is the sequel coming?
❤️
This is a real gem, Lyle -- the first fiction from you I have read. Spare, clean, and beautifully edited.
( I notice you care about getting each word right. ) Provocative opening line pulled me right in. "He was so unremarkable, so unnoticeable, that he wasn’t even bullied." Beautiful! "And then she glanced up at him and asked, “What’s your name again?” You have tweaked our hearts. His aversion to swearing -- even in his head was so endearing. The self-deprecation and the names he calls himself. The only thing he likes about himself is that he shows up early for work? Poor guy. Hints about his parent's indifference., made me want to grandmother him. The question "Who needs to give you permission...?" The lovely twist at the end. I found this story up-lifting. I am a fool for happily ever after, as life is seldom like that. A fine piece, Mr McKeany. I hope to see more of this side of you. Sharron at 🍁Leaves.
Thank you so much, Sharron!
Just stumbled across this story and loved it!
Thanks, Isaida!
Very fun read.
You built the characters very nicely - we don't have a mental image of Joel but we can clearly see Lisa (I'm using the royal "We" here, of course.) Keep playing with fiction!!
Thanks, Jude!
I purposefully didn't describe Joel because I wanted readers to form whatever mental image of him that emerged. I thought that overly describing him, or even setting the story in a particular time was unnecessary. For example, I had an earlier draft where he was wearing an Apple Watch and tracking steps and thinking about how Lisa must walk a ton of steps each day at the diner. But that felt like a detail that took me out of the flow when I read it back so I removed it. There were other little things I cut like that too.
Loved this one Lyle, was a fun reread too:)
Glad you enjoyed it the second time too, Chandler!
Am I noticing something irrelevant, but starting with
“Joel is pacing around his house. He hasn’t been back to the Piner Diner, to see Lisa, for three days”, the verb tense is all present tense, whereas before that, there were a variety of verb tenses. I just wondered if that is deliberate?, or if I am weird to wonder 😅
The tense change is deliberate in certain sections. You’re the first person who has pointed it out. And you’re definitely not weird to wonder lol
What a lovely ending, Lyle -- surprising but plausible. Now we have to decide for ourselves who Lisa is. I like open-ended stories. Excellent!
Thank you, Sharron! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
You definitely should give fiction a chance. This is very good.
Thank you so much, Martine! Glad you enjoyed it. I’ll certainly give fiction another shot soon.